Reminders

I have recently been spending some time with a fellow cancer survivor. What a deep bond you can form with someone who has been where you have. We have talked a lot about the sneaky ways you can still be reminded of the mark cancer made on your life even long after it's gone. Being a glass half full kind of gal, I tend to cling to the blessings I have from being a cancer survivor. I feel I gained a love for life and adventure that I may not have developed had I not had cancer. That being said there still are reminders that from time to time almost reopen the wound, and leave me back in the grief process.

As an "I've been there" to anyone else who is a cancer survivor struggling with reminders. Here are some of my most recent reminders:

1. My14 inches... that's how long the keloid scar deformity of a reminder on my stomach is... I used to have various feelings on the grief cycle continuum every time I touched or looked at my stomach, now it is just when I wear a fitted shirt, or bathing suit that I am reminded. I also feel a painful reminder each time I try to do anything that would involve the use of my core muscles. I try to remember what it was like to be able to feel my stomach, and what it was like to be able to control those muscles. I went to a personal trainer recently, and felt so exposed as I struggled on the floor unable to do exercises I've seen PT's do with stroke patients at the hospital.

2. Hearing someone else has cancer: every time I hear of someone who has been diagnosed I am reminded. It opens feelings of guilt that I made it through, and that person may not, and feelings of fear of what cancer may do in the future.

3. The "past medical history" box on any paperwork: that pretty much means I will be telling someone else the who story, and get to hear "Oh, you're to young for that." which of course reminds me of the way I went from a 19 year old feeling "invincible" in the way that most teens do, to a 20 year old adult with cancer in one day, and the way Robert too had to step up to the plate when the rest of his friends were consumed with the joys of senior year of college.

4. My annual scans: for obvious reasons this continues to be a reminder

Of course in the midst of it all I am blessed, and love every minute of the life I have. The hope in all of this is that the reminders become less frequent, and less harmful with time. The way I react to them is all in my control, which is something Cancer could never take.

Ok, so that's all from serious blog land, back to the humor filled rambles you have come to know and love soon.

RED

Mother's Day Thoughts...yes, I don't want kids, and yes, I am serious

There are 2 things in life I am not interested in that always make people a little bent out of shape. One is my lack of interest in roller coasters and theme parks (hot, sticky, noisy, yucky), and the other is my lack of interest or desire to be a mother. Many of my loyal friends and readers are quite aware of this, and seem to understand. It's "people" who seem to not get it.

In a time when I can not even seem to keep up with the images of beautiful babies on every one's facebook, and since I hit that been married for 2 years marker, the questions of "when will we have kids?" continue to pour in..... and of course it is never "do you want to have kids?..." it is always assumed that there is this rule that I have to want kids because I am a woman and I am married.

Why is it like that? ....

Here are some facts (or a rant because that is what you can do when you blog)-

I don't want kids... I have never wanted kids, and no, I won't change my mind. It is the same way I have no desire to live in the north, be an accountant, learn to paint, grow a garden, etc. Those are all great things, and I am sure they make lots of people happy, I just don't want to do them. Robert doesn't want kids either. We have prayerfully considered this, and I feel blessed to have found a husband who is in agreement. We probably have put more thought into NOT having kids than some people do in deciding TO have kids. Just because I don't want kids doesn't mean I don't like them, or that I think people who have kids are inferior in any way. I am not judging you because you decided to have kids. I view this as a choice.... I don't want to live in NY, but lots of people do, and I think they are great, just like I think all those parents out there are. I am aware that I am good with kids, and that I love working with kids. I don't think that means I should have kids. The love for children, the skill for interacting with children, and the desire to be a parent are all, I believe, mutually exclusive. I am pretty good at cleaning toilets, but don't want to do that every day for the rest of my life. I am aware some people can't understand why I would never want to be a Mom, and that there is a misconception that having children is the only way to make sure someone will take care of you when you are old. I will have long term care insurance from another entity outside of my offspring. It's my choice, the same way you may choose to be a parent, I have chosen to be childless. No, even though I have had some crazy cancer, etc., I am not infertile, and I really could have a kid if I wanted one. I just don't want one. Yes I know there are tax benefits to having kids. I will continue to pay taxes to pay for other people's use when they have kids. Kids cost way more than the tax credit. On that note, I did not decide to be childfree because I think they cost a lot of money. I did not make this choice because I am married to my job, or because I am too selfish to share my money. I knew I didn't want to be a mom long before I knew I wanted to be an SLP or a small business owner. I am not some crazy feminist or nutty person concerned with overpopulation, I am just a normal person who happens to want to have a family of 2 and not 3.

OK thanks for listening to my rant!

Back to normal now!
RED